A lot has been written recently about eating "locally." It’s an interesting concept; eating food that doesn’t have to travel too far, thereby saving energy. But once again, the Man has set himself up to feel good about something that actually harms our fragile globorb. These “locavores” eat foods from within 100 miles of where they live, as if a truck driving 100 miles doesn’t spew tons of carbon into our atmosphere.

I’m a skeinavore. I only eat foods from within 100 yards.

Now, let's make one thing clear: I would rather not eat at all. Every time I do, I feel immense guilt about the methane I produce. Did you know that the average person produces 2 liters of gas a day? The shame of it keeps me up at night.

But even a carbon-negative person like me has to take in calories. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here to point out and counteract all the wasteful, thoughtless things you people do.

Since I am forced to ingest biomatter, I’ve developed some easy-to-follow eating guidelines with our habitorb in mind. A Carbon-Negative Diet, if you will. So for those eager to learn the secret to staying thin and green, here, in a nutshell, is my diet:

• Things that come from my immediate vicinity.
• Things that died a natural death after a long, happy life.
• Things that I find.
• Things that don't produce methane. The following list of gas-generators is completely forbidden:

• Asparagus
• Broccoli
• Brussels sprouts
• Cabbage
• Cauliflower
• Corn
• Cucumbers
• Kohlrabi
• Leeks
• Onions
• Peas
• Peppers
• Radishes
• Sauerkraut
• Turnips
• Carbonated drinks
• Beer
• Red wine
• Sugar substitutes
• Apples
• Beans
• Dairy products
• Eggs
• Wheat
• Melons
• Apricots
• Prunes
• Olestra

This leaves, basically, hemp, soy, some ancient grains, and Chicken McNuggets®, but only if they fall to the ground in front of me. If every American followed my simple plan, obesity would be a thing of the past. We could curtail our methane production, shut down the cattle industry (indeed, all farming as we know it), and save billions in fuel and plus-size clothing. But of course you won’t. You’ll keep driving your Prius to Whole Foods and enjoying your tasty groceries. Fine; more spelt for me.